Round 2 has been much better than round 1. I stayed in bed all weekend per Dr.'s orders and by Dr. I mean my actual Dr., my husband, and my mom. :) Round 1 I think I tried to do too much too fast so I promised myself to just let my body rest. It is so hard for me to do that. I am not a couch potato. I like to be doing something. I mean, how many old 90210 reruns can I watch (turns out, a bunch!) I am definitely catching up on all my TV shows. I literally stayed in bed Friday-Monday. I started feeling better Tuesday morning and it improved throughout the day.
My parents had the girls starting on Thursday after my treatment so I didn't see them until Tuesday when I picked them up from school. I missed them so much. We decided it is better to just have my parents take them to their house for a few days each treatment because I just don't want them to see me in that condition. When we're at home, they want me to play with them and I hate telling them I can't. They love staying at mimi and papa's though. They seem totally oblivious to everything going on which is all I wanted when this whole thing began. They are just too little to understand all of this. I never want them to be scared or anxious so I try to remain as strong as possible for them.
The girls seeing me bald was quite an experience. We had prepared Julianne a bit. Originally, I thought I would tell the girls that I was getting medicine to stay healthy and that the medicine would make me tired and would make my hair fall out but it would grow back. After discussing with Shaun he was of the opinion that if we told Julianne that, she would never want to take medicine again. I agreed. So Shaun just opened up a conversation about cutting your hair. He asked if she had ever seen someone without hair before. She said "yes, babies!" Shaun showed her some pictures of some bald men and then showed her some pictures of bald women and said that even women can cut all their hair if they want to. We then moved into telling her that I was going to cut all of my hair off and that I would get to "play dress up" with wigs, hats, and try a bunch of new things. She really was fine with it and said "I don't care who cuts their hair as long as it's not mine...I want Rapunzel hair!"
Claire saw me first. I was wearing a hat and she said "why are you wearing a hat mommy?" I told her I had cut my hair and that it wasn't there anymore. She said "I want to see" so I showed her. She gasped and said "Oh no mommy! Why did you do that?" I wanted to cry. She asked me why I did it a couple of times and then went on to something else about 20 seconds later. When Julianne saw me wearing a hat later that evening she said "did you cut your hair off?" I said yes and she asked if she could see. I took my hat off and she stared at me for a second and then said "mommy, I think you look nice and I am going to say a prayer that your hair grows back curly because I know you have always wanted curly hair." This kid melts me. Seriously. She is the sweetest thing.
It barely phased them at all. They are totally used to it now and it's only been a few days. They run in to our room in the morning to see what scarf or hat I'm going to wear that day. Although Claire did say the other day "mommy, you're hair looks weird." She's 3. There is no filter. The bottom line is that the girls seem to be fairly unaffected by what's going on right now. That is exactly what I want. My first thought when I got my diagnosis was the girls. How would we tell them? Turns out, we didn't have to. When I was torn about what to do, something Shaun said just struck me. He said "babe, we don't even understand it, how will they?" They wouldn't. They would be scared and afraid they would lose their mommy. I won't do that to them. This whole journey is just to big for them to understand at their age. That's why I am writing this blog. So I can share my story with them when they are old enough. I want them to know that I fought so hard because of them. So I can be here for them for as long as possible.
This all is not to say that anyone who shares their diagnosis with their small children is wrong. This is just what is right for our girls. If the girls were a couple of years older, it would probably be different. After speaking with their school counselor and discussing it with each other at length, it's the decision we made. It's working for us. I'm trying so hard to keep life as normal as possible for them. So far, I think it is. I can't ask for more than that.